Well…erm…a lot has changed since my last blog post – on a global scale!
I feel like we’re all living in a Stephen King novel…minus the pig’s blood and telekinetic powers…for now anyway. But sheesh, it’s bad enough without.
So, I (as well as others) expected to have a complete relapse in my mental health when lockdown kicked in but it’s just been weird instead. I haven’t been rocking in a corner crying my eyes out (if you have though, I’m not judging). Instead, my brain has just shut off from all things COVID. I do not want to take it in, so I’m just avoiding it.
This whole situation has positives and negatives for everyone. Mine in a nutshell are:
- I already have Anxiety Disorder so I appear fine, as everyone else is also at my anxiety level
- I have more tools than others to deal with a crisis through my therapy (thank f*$ing god I started this pre covid)
- I’m an introvert anyway so staying in with my own company isn’t too bad
- I’m feeling like everyone can relate to each other which is good in a way
- I’m probably going to freak out when things get a bit more ‘normal’ again as this is my ‘anxious’ – at the minute I have less triggers so I’m scared it’s just going to hit me out of nowhere
- Avoiding the problem means that I’m feeling quite numb and sometimes really depressed when I start thinking about it
- There’s been change that I’ve struggled to deal with
- My therapy has changed to virtual and group therapy has paused which absolutely sucks as this will probably go on long term
If you’re feeling really overwhelmed right now I’d really recommend writing out some positives about this really crappy situation or a list of how things can change for the better for you after this – trust me, it will make you feel even slightly better – there’s always a positive. Then try and focus on that thought when you start to feel anxious.
My mind always looks for the worst case scenario and the fact that it can now say ‘ha! told you so!’ just means I’ve been more prepared than most. I’m used to crisis so therefore appear calmer through this.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s still a struggle and it’s a horrific time for a lot of people and their families but my brain is just refusing to register this.
Work has actually been a god send throughout this period and being able to be in the office gives me the routine and structure that is so important for me – one of my symptoms of Borderline is that if I don’t have routine everyday, this is when everything becomes a bit mad for me and I get really ill again. Weirdly, I’ve been more productive than ever at work. I think it’s the quiet office and I’m not as anxious. In a way it feels more structured to me than ever before.
Going through my mental health recovery journey during this national crisis has certainly made it interesting and testing as I can’t practise skills in any normal scenario but it’s also made me realise that I CAN do this and I’m so much more stronger than what I thought I was.
I’ve got a way to go but I’m slowly starting to see glimpses of what it could feel like being able to cope with life in a more healthy fulfilling way.
Sending you all positive thoughts during this wacky uncertain time xxx