Yes, I’m going to be a Grinch and yes, I’m going to feel sorry for myself because you know what? I’m entitled to!
Christmas can be really hard for people for a lot of different reasons and I’m not by all means saying I have it worse than some, but people telling me that other people are also having a bad time does not make it any easier for me at all.
I’m starting to pull apart my life traumas and experiences in my weekly therapy sessions, walking out of my appointment to be greeted by a geet massive inflatable santa (yes, that’s legit) in the building. There’s no need man. In the past I’d probably smile at it but this year I imagine myself screaming and running at it, tackling it to the floor.
So not really in the mood to celebrate as it feels like I’m reliving a lot of past trauma right now and not a lot of people fully understand.
I know everyone isn’t happy 24/7 but the expectation to be festive and to appear merry on the surface is just too much for me right now. I’ve retreated away from events, avoided people and I’ve not included myself in stuff so that my misery doesn’t affect others this Christmas.
I’ve been through a lot this year and it’s still very tough, so the festivities can appear as really overwhelming to me. It’s all go and it’s out of my normal routine which freaks me out.
New year always gives me anxiety because instead of thinking “I wonder what amazing things this year will bring” I’m thinking, “crap, another year of things to go wrong.”
This is the first year (apart from last year as I was on long-term sick) that I’m working through Christmas. I need that distraction and my family aren’t really doing Christmas this year so what’s the point of being at home feeling crap. Two days are going to be bad enough, taking myself away from everyone, as I know that’s what’s going to happen.
I do have a week off in January which I’m going to spend sorting out my life in mini steps using a scrapbook as it’s an actual mess right now in my brain.
People keep saying 2020 can only get better. I’m not so sure really. I’m not doing the whole ‘new year new me’ crap. I’m just going to take each day as it comes…
Merry Christmas everyone and remember, you can feel sorry for yourself if you want to!