Dear Brain, I really wish we could get on and agree more on things. I know who I want to be and you just won’t listen. Our arguments give me a splitting headache and then I give in. Can we move on and start again?
I’m having a 24/7 argument with my brain. I want to function ‘normally’ so bad and no matter how hard I try, my brain isn’t having any of it. If it was under warrantee I’d be taking it back!
As I’m receiving treatment/therapy and I’m starting to deal with stuff, I’ve found myself dissociating more. This is when you feel ‘spaced out’ like you’re in a fish bowl or like you don’t really exist – a bit like that scene in Scrooge where the ghosts take ebineezer to visit his former self, no one can see him.
Imagine that feeling when you have a bad cold and you get a fluffy head – that’s what it’s like. It’s so bad sometimes I actually think “who the F**k am I?” I can totally loose the plot for a moment…it’s scary.
I think this is happening as stuff I have buried for years and forgotten is resurfacing and it’s my mind’s way of not wanting to deal with it as it’s too much. It just switches off like a defence mechanism. This can happen at any time…inconveniently at work most of the time when I’m not even consciously thinking about anything.
I haven’t written on here for ages since I’ve been back at work. It’s been a struggle and continues to be but I’m trying so hard as it’s a massive positive in my life right now. I need some routine. It’s something to think about other than how crazy I feel!
I feel like myself and my diagnosis are two different people. There’s a part of me that registers as ‘normal’. I know what a correct reaction to something is and I know what is rational but there’s a stronger shadow part of me that isn’t budging and no matter how much I try and focus on the ‘normal’ part of me, my shadow just pushes them away.
I’m trying to learn to be less hard on myself and that I’m not a bad person, it’s just my brain is wired a bit differently to most people and I need to work on fiddling on with the wires more often than other people to learn about my emotions and maintain them. I find it really hard to identify how I feel, other than it feels negative. Things like sadness, anger, mental pain all feel bad but I can’t tell which one it is. Learning to identify them is the rewiring part.
Right now, I’m not feeling at all sociable. I have no energy and I feel like a dementor from Harry Potter, sucking positivity from people so I’ve hidden myself away for a while. This ‘recovery’ malarky really takes it out of you. I still feel ‘unhelp-able’ but a little part of me is rooting for me to keep going. I just wish it would speak up a bit louder somedays.
It’s exhausting to think I’ve barely begun the process of getting well again…
I’ve started seeing an Occupational Therapist who is quite open about the fact that he has been diagnosed with a similar condition to me. It’s so nice speaking to a professional who totally gets it.
It has really inspired me and I can’t help but think maybe one day this could be me helping someone who is going through what I am experiencing right now…who knows?