There’s no such thing as being ‘better’ when you have a long-term mental health condition – you get stronger and I AM.
I’m getting stronger and I’m trying not to let it beat me anymore. I’m still early on in my recovery, with over a year of therapy left but I know I can do it no matter how hard it still feels.
There are days when my ‘shadow’ as I call it, wraps around me so tightly that my chest hurts and I become detached from myself. There are other days now where the light shines in and my shadow flinches from the light to the point where I feel like a normal person and days like that are such a relief.
I now catch myself laughing heartily – a genuine belly laugh or I smile without my face aching from faking it. These glimpses of the good things in life keep me going when the shadow tells me to give up.
I still get the really bad days and I can accept now that I probably always will but I’m welcoming this new kind of day that I’m experiencing too – I guess it’s what it feels to be content although I’m not sure as I’ve never experienced it before. I feel more motivated and I’m getting less distracted in unhealthy ways.
I’m experiencing a range of new emotions from my intense therapy and it can be really overwhelming but it’s better than putting a wall up or avoiding my feelings – I’m learning that crying can be healthy and sadness is better than being numb. It’s so good to be part of a therapy support group of other people who are just like me – I don’t feel alone anymore.
I really wish I could go back to this time last year and just tell myself to hang on, it’s going to get better – believe what everyone is telling you, but you have to find out for yourself.
I feel like my hard exterior has been smashed open through working through stuff and at the minute everything is pouring out and I’m trying to make sense of it all – it’s exhausting but healthy – I’m never going back to who I was before – I’m stronger now.