Only 47 days till Spring…

As much as I love spring and summer as it gets brighter and generally everyone is a bit more upbeat, there’s something comforting about winter – you can hide, whether you’re hiding away at home or you’re hiding in chunky knits.

I feel so much more secure, hiding a body I’m not happy with and retreating away from everyone inside.

There’s another reason why I love winter and it’s the same for many others with a specific mental illness symptom (I’ll leave you to guess as I don’t like writing it).

You can cover up without people asking “wow you must be roasting in that jumper” and “would you not feel better taking your cardi off?”

As it’s now February, spring seems reachable. I’m writing this inconspicuous blog post to remind people to please don’t comment on whether someone is wearing long sleeves. Whether they just feel the cold (which I do as well!) or whether it’s something else, people can feel self conscious and someone even asking a simple question like that can cause anxiety.

I’m proud of my battle scars and this year I’m not hiding away when the weather gets warmer. They’re a part of who I am and a journey I’m facing.

 

It’s a long journey but I’m getting there – as are many others. Don’t judge.

I can’t find the On switch

 

For the past couple of weeks, I’ve felt myself slowly getting sucked down into the black hole that I’ve been trying to cling to the top of for a while. I feel like I’m stuck on a plateau with my therapy at the minute and I’m pretty much in a relapse stage (which is apparently normal). I’ve turned off my emotion switch due to so much going on right now but I just feel numb now and I can’t seem to find the On switch. Right now it just feels like I’m not going to get better.

I’m trying to learn new, healthy skills but I just keep reverting back to what I know will work as it’s the only thing I’ve known until recently. I feel extremely lost and I’m literally living each day as it comes until bed time. Rinse and repeat.

Intense therapy is overwhelming. It’s not just talking to someone for an hour a week about how you feel. It’s way more structured than that and my therapist really challenges my thoughts and never lets me off lightly! We focus on a different topic each week and talk about how it can be put into practice. Some are easier than others and there’s always a sh*t tonne of homework. There’s so many new theories to learn and use…and remember! I think the NHS have killed a good few trees to help me with all of my handouts. There’s no lying down on a chair and sharing your deepest, darkest secrets and there’s no feeling sorry for yourself allowed either! It’s nothing like how it’s made out to be. It’s hard work but it’s good.

I’m working a lot at the minute on learning to identify my emotions as I really struggle with this. It’s apparently common in people who are diagnosed with BPD. One of the reasons my emotions are so intense is because I don’t understand them, meaning I don’t know how to deal with them. I’m learning about them in the style of the Pixar film, Inside Out, going into depth about each emotion, whether it’s fear, sadness, happiness, envy or disgust.

One positive is that at least I’m aware of the new skills I’m trying to learn. It’s hopeful knowing that one day I might use them without having to think about it.

Anxiety the horror movie

Starring Lyndsey Spark

I’m writing this post not for attention or sympathy but to talk about something that isn’t really discussed, well not properly anyway. Anxiety is seen as this really fashionable thing to have these days and it’s really pissing me off because if those people knew what it really feels like, they really wouldn’t want it as a ‘brand’ for themselves. Luckily I don’t personally know anyone like that but it’s out there in the media, on TV, etc. It’s something I’ve dealt with for years. I get obsessive thoughts and my mind races to the point where I feel physically sick so I can’t leave the house. I itch my hands to the point where they mark or blister with friction burns just to stay seated in public, I’ve hit my head against walls to stop intrusive thoughts, I believe people are conspiring against me, I stop trusting people and I excessively worry about others. I get anxiety ‘hangovers’ with splitting headaches as it drains me so much. It’s ruling who I am at the minute and it’s been so bad over the past week. I know there are so many like me where it controls your whole day and I’m sick of it being described as this cute fluffy thing to have. The only rest you get is when you eventually fall asleep and that fantastic 2 seconds when you wake up before you realise who you are. It’s not always like this, it’s a bit like a rollercoaster but this is how bad it gets. I’m starting to work on my anxiety monster and hopefully can learn how to turn the volume down and get on with life more.

I just needed to get that off my chest 🙂

F**k the Festivities

 

Yes, I’m going to be a Grinch and yes, I’m going to feel sorry for myself because you know what? I’m entitled to!

Christmas can be really hard for people for a lot of different reasons and I’m not by all means saying I have it worse than some, but people telling me that other people are also having a bad time does not make it any easier for me at all.

I’m starting to pull apart my life traumas and experiences in my weekly therapy sessions, walking out of my appointment to be greeted by a geet massive inflatable santa (yes, that’s legit) in the building. There’s no need man. In the past I’d probably smile at it but this year I imagine myself screaming and running at it, tackling it to the floor.

So not really in the mood to celebrate as it feels like I’m reliving a lot of past trauma right now and not a lot of people fully understand.

I know everyone isn’t happy 24/7 but the expectation to be festive and to appear merry on the surface is just too much for me right now. I’ve retreated away from events, avoided people and I’ve not included myself in stuff so that my misery doesn’t affect others this Christmas.

I’ve been through a lot this year and it’s still very tough, so the festivities can appear as really overwhelming to me. It’s all go and it’s out of my normal routine which freaks me out.

New year always gives me anxiety because instead of thinking “I wonder what amazing things this year will bring” I’m thinking, “crap, another year of things to go wrong.”

This is the first year (apart from last year as I was on long-term sick) that I’m working through Christmas. I need that distraction and my family aren’t really doing Christmas this year so what’s the point of being at home feeling crap. Two days are going to be bad enough, taking myself away from everyone, as I know that’s what’s going to happen.

I do have a week off in January which I’m going to spend sorting out my life in mini steps using a scrapbook as it’s an actual mess right now in my brain.

People keep saying 2020 can only get better. I’m not so sure really. I’m not doing the whole ‘new year new me’ crap. I’m just going to take each day as it comes…

Merry Christmas everyone and remember, you can feel sorry for yourself if you want to!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bobbing around the fish bowl of life

Dear Brain, I really wish we could get on and agree more on things. I know who I want to be and you just won’t listen. Our arguments give me a splitting headache and then I give in. Can we move on and start again?

I’m having a 24/7 argument with my brain. I want to function ‘normally’ so bad and no matter how hard I try, my brain isn’t having any of it. If it was under warrantee I’d be taking it back!

As I’m receiving treatment/therapy and I’m starting to deal with stuff, I’ve found myself dissociating more. This is when you feel ‘spaced out’ like you’re in a fish bowl or like you don’t really exist – a bit like that scene in Scrooge where the ghosts take ebineezer to visit his former self, no one can see him.

Imagine that feeling when you have a bad cold and you get a fluffy head – that’s what it’s like. It’s so bad sometimes I actually think “who the F**k am I?” I can totally loose the plot for a moment…it’s scary.

I think this is happening as stuff I have buried for years and forgotten is resurfacing and it’s my mind’s way of not wanting to deal with it as it’s too much. It just switches off like a defence mechanism. This can happen at any time…inconveniently at work most of the time when I’m not even consciously thinking about anything.

I haven’t written on here for ages since I’ve been back at work. It’s been a struggle and continues to be but I’m trying so hard as it’s a massive positive in my life right now. I need some routine. It’s something to think about other than how crazy I feel!

I feel like myself and my diagnosis are two different people. There’s a part of me that registers as ‘normal’. I know what a correct reaction to something is and I know what is rational but there’s a stronger shadow part of me that isn’t budging and no matter how much I try and focus on the ‘normal’ part of me, my shadow just pushes them away.

I’m trying to learn to be less hard on myself and that I’m not a bad person, it’s just my brain is wired a bit differently to most people and I need to work on fiddling on with the wires more often than other people to learn about my emotions and maintain them. I find it really hard to identify how I feel, other than it feels negative. Things like sadness, anger, mental pain all feel bad but I can’t tell which one it is. Learning to identify them is the rewiring part.

Right now, I’m not feeling at all sociable. I have no energy and I feel like a dementor from Harry Potter, sucking positivity from people so I’ve hidden myself away for a while. This ‘recovery’ malarky really takes it out of you. I still feel ‘unhelp-able’ but a little part of me is rooting for me to keep going. I just wish it would speak up a bit louder somedays.

It’s exhausting to think I’ve barely begun the process of getting well again…

I’ve started seeing an Occupational Therapist who is quite open about the fact that he has been diagnosed with a similar condition to me. It’s so nice speaking to a professional who totally gets it.

It has really inspired me and I can’t help but think maybe one day this could be me helping someone who is going through what I am experiencing right now…who knows?

 

 

 

 

Feeling alone in my head

Heads up, so this is a bit of a depressing rant so if you don’t want to read, stop now.

So last month I went back to work after being off sick with my mental health for 8 months. I’ve made progress, but I’ve still got a way to go yet on getting better.

In a way, I’m happy to be back at work. It’s giving me some purpose in my life and it’s nice to be around people again. It’s really tiring though and it is a struggle most days, (and to get in on time thanks to anxiety and being sleepy!) but I’m sure I’ll get there. Just need the brain fog to disperse!

You would think that the community mental health team would be offering me more support to help me cope now I’m back at work, but no, it’s the total opposite. I haven’t had an NHS therapy appointment now for three weeks as my therapist is off sick, not that is was reliable before that either. Every time I ring up they don’t tell me anything, or when I’m likely to get an appointment either.

At a time when I really need support, I’ve never felt so alone and let down. I don’t mean alone as in not being around friends etc. but alone with my mental health. I feel like I’m just barely propping myself up right now, with no-one to talk to. So as well as the long waiting lists being crap, it’s not much better once you actually access the service either.

When I’m better and in a few years time, if things haven’t improved with the system, I am definitely going to stand as an advocate for this appalling mental health service in the UK. I think nearly all NHS staff are amazing and I’m so grateful to have a free health service but the Government have absolutely no idea what it is like to be a service user, waiting for months, ready to give up when a service has no funding.

 

 

 

 

Deers and Dying Plants

NHS windowsills are uninspiring

When your therapist asks you if you are having dark thoughts you realise that you mustn’t look particularly great. I’d been staring into space for a while not listening to the words coming out of her mouth. All I could think about was why had they bothered to put a plant in the room if it was just going to be left for dead on the windowsill.

The room has no positive energy so I think the plant has probably given up on life. Every week when I stare at it, it seems to have died inside a bit more. I don’t blame it, having to sit there and absorb everyone’s problems.

I day dream quite a lot in my sessions. When I zone back in and get asked what I was thinking about, I don’t mention the plant.

A bit of light reading in the waiting room. At least it’s a change from OK magazine…

I’m experiencing an assault course with my emotions.

Everyone’s mood goes up and down throughout the day, whether a number comes up on your phone that you don’t want to answer or your lunch gets squished in your bag and now you have warm, flat cheese sandwiches. It’s normal for moods to change throughout the day…

…but my moods do this thing where everything is heightened and I can’t control how I feel and behave. I react badly to changes which then sets me off on a downward spiral for the rest of the day, where I’m either so anxious and worried or I just want to hide away and burrito wrap myself in a blanket, maybe not over something as drastic as a squished cheese sandwich but you get the idea!

I describe living with BPD like having Bipolar but on speed. Although, I’m now being told to keep a mood diary so my emotions can be monitored as apparently ‘a diagnosis can change.’ At this point, whether it’s BPD or Bipolar, I don’t really care. I just want to get back into having a routine and getting on with my life very soon!

I am trying as much as I can. I go to meditation, the gym (occasionally), I go for walks and I try and get creative with crafts. It’s a bit of light relief from my mind for a couple of hours as I have to concentrate on not burning myself with a glue gun or tripping over my own trainer at the gym (yes, this has happened).

I’ve had some good experiences over the past week though. I had a special moment with a deer at Plessey Woods and I’ve finally opened my own Etsy page to sell my craft stuff.

I have a bit of anxiety around selling my stuff as I never believe it’s good enough to sell.

I wish the stuff that I enjoy doing and am reasonably good at would pay the bills, but it doesn’t!

I am struggling to see anything past the next day at the minute as it’s a bit overwhelming, but I will get there!

I want to dump my anxiety via text

It’s not working out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My head is currently spinning so I feel like I need to write something to try and ground myself. I was fine this morning and then *BAM*. It hit me early afternoon. It’s always one thought that then makes my head spiral out of control.

Anxiety and I have had a complex relationship for years. It never leaves my side and keeps bickering away in my head, like a tired whinging child.

It feels like that noise the computer used to make when it dialled up an internet connection. I have one million intrusive thoughts but at the same time I cannot think and it’s really noisy and muffled in my head.

I think the worst part of it is the feeling of dissociation. I know I’m here sitting at my keyboard writing but my head feels like it’s in a fish bowl. I feel like crying as it’s so debhilitating but I know I just have to ride this out until I calm down again and my anxiety decides it needs a break.

I wish I could dump my anxiety, preferably by text as that’s all it deserves, or by just ghosting it. The more I try and stop it, the worse it gets.

I know I’ll never fully ‘get over’ anxiety – it’s like we’ve got a blood pact or something, but I want to be able to turn the volume down on it for a while.

Anxiety, if you’re listening – you’re dumped!!

 

What to write, or what not to write…

…that is the question.

 

So, I haven’t really written anything since March. Two months and I have no excuse.

I can’t really think of a topic for this one so I’m just going to write and then see what happens…

It’s been a mixed bag of feelings since I last wrote a blog post. May pretty much marks one year since my mental health started to dip again. One year and I’ve barely began any psych treatment.

There’s been some real sh**ty times during the past few months but I’m still here which I guess is something. There’s been some nice times though and I have the support of friends and a lovely new community of like-minded people at meditation to bring me back to Earth.

I’ve been regularly going to meditation sessions which is helping with my anxiety and I now have a bit of a morning routine. I’ve also started to add gym visits into the mix. The gym gives me major anxiety and I normally spend a good 15 minutes telling myself to breathe in my car before I go in – but, I get in there eventually.

I’m busy creating a collection of sea glass jewellery so I can open an Etsy store and hopefully make some money! I’m also going to try my hand at wood burning art! (I’m a bit of a klutz so I’m a bit nervous about this!)

I love being creative. It’s my saviour at the minute. I’ve kind of fallen out of love with singing right now which upsets me but I’m really excited to be creating some new craft ideas over the next few weeks to keep my mind occupied.

Having time on my hands means my mind often goes into overdrive and my anxiety gatecrashes. The majority of my scary thoughts are around the future. I’ve never been able to plan ahead for anything in my life and I just see a big black void in my mind when I try and think about what I’d like to achieve and what my purpose on this planet is.

I also obsessively worry about everything 24/7 which absolutely sucks. It’s like a hamster wheel in my brain, a whirlwind of negative thoughts constantly bopping about. It’s exhausting.

So yeah, crafting helps banish these emotions for a bit.

This sounds a bit negative but I do have something to keep myself motivated and active! Myself and friend Amy are taking part in a 12 hour dawn till dusk hike in Scotland for the charity Mind this October (I wasn’t well enough to do the running I planned for Mind so looking forward to this challenge). Amy works in mental health and it’s also a very personal cause for myself – I’ve had support from Mind’s services and I want to give something back whilst raising awareness.

I’m seeing this hike as an aim to overcome my mental mountain as well as a physical one!

We will be posting training updates and videos soon and it would be lovely if you could sponsor us!

This post has turned into a bit of a brain dump but at least I’ve updated the blog!

 

 

 

 

Meditation, meds and making friends

Meeting people going through similar situations has helped

 

 

It’s been a while since I’ve written a blog post and I’ve had a bit of a crappy week so thought I’d write something positive to remember the progress I’ve made – even if it’s just been little steps.

Throughout March I’ve been attending Cloud Nine’s meditation sessions (and eating a lot of homemade cake in their cafe!) as part of a trial to see if it can help with my mental health conditions. With me being off work I thought ‘F it!’ I’ve got nothing to loose. Let’s give this meditation malarky a go.

I had always been a bit of a sceptic when it came to meditation, believing my issues and symptoms were too deep routed to fix by simply breathing and ‘imagining things in your head.’

My opinion on this has changed after just four weeks.

If you haven’t given meditation a go -DO IT!

Even just for breathing and relaxing your muscles which sounds like common sense but it’s amazing how we forget how to breathe properly! It’s a life skill you need to learn, trust me.

I’ve been going about three mornings a week. They have a lovely meditation room with sofas and beanbags and it smells amazing!

I know meditation won’t cure me but it gives me some respite from my emotions for that 45 minute session where I feel completely relaxed.

I think the whole Cloud Nine experience has helped me alongside their meditation sessions. Rachel and Susan are lovely and totally put everyone at ease. No-one is judged, you are listened too and are not pressurised to share anything about yourself if you don’t want to. The whole place is so calming and I feel really safe there. I’ve made some great friends over coffee after the meditation sessions, people who are going through similar experiences as myself which has been really comforting and reassuring.

One morning after a meditation session, I overheard two people talking about booking in their next Reiki sessions. I peered over my book and latte glass and eavesdropped for a while. What is ‘reekee?’ I couldn’t even pronounce it. Having no idea what it was and what I was getting myself in to, I booked my own session in with Rachel.

The treatment room I was taken into was so relaxing, with stars projected onto the ceiling and a lovely light that looks like a cloud. I lay on the massage bed and was told to close my eyes. I could smell lovely essential oils and as Rachel worked her energy magic on my forehead and down to my feet I could feel a difference and my tension definitely started to lift. It’s so relaxing!

I was really nervous for my first session and I have this weird habit of laughing when I’m anxious so I was biting my lip through most of it. Turns out I had nothing to be anxious about and because of this, my second session was even more relaxing.

It’s true the way they describe it – it’s like when your phone needs charging up – our energy needs this too.

As well as meditation, I’ve been referred to a Mind Well-being group where people with mental health conditions can learn skills to deal with emotional resilience etc. I barely uttered two words during my first week but I’ve started to get to know the people in the group now after 2 weeks. I’m the youngest by quite a bit but its good to share experiences with different people.

For my first 2 weeks we’ve been doing crafts which I’ve loved. We have been making shoebox sanctuaries, featuring things that make us feel safe. I made a room to look like my bedroom. I’m particularly proud of the little shelf I’ve made!

I’ve also taken up painting again after 7 years! It was easier than I thought to get back in to. Painting is one of the only things where I can completely switch off. I loose the sense of time and everything. It’s like magic and I’d forgotten how much I loved it.

This is my work in progress of a cute doggy…

I had an appointment this week with my psychiatrist which resulted in me now taking the maximum dosage of my meds (spaced out ttm) and being left really confused about my treatment. I’m not slating the NHS as a whole, it does fantastic work and I’m grateful, but the lack of treatment I’ve received has been terrible. I am just constantly told to wait and the waiting is just making me feel worse!

Hopefully I’ll hear soon…